Well, to be honest I don't quite think that stressed even begins to cover it. I always knew this year would be hard, but I never could have imagined it would be like this. As I push through I just can't help but wonder if it's like this for everyone, or if I have it particularly hard given my already hindered mind. Speaking of, I've been fine, if not teetering very close to the edge of entering what I could only predict to be a spectacular, stress and lack of sleep induced manic episode. My anti depressant dose went up so it just feels like a waiting game really. Why am I talking about this.
Nearly finished college anyway, I think that's what I was trying to get at there. I only have one project left to submit, one brief left to fill, one more bullshit critical evaluation to write. What's called the "major" project (the one that will become my grad show piece) is proving to be the most difficult piece I've ever worked on in every possible way. Not only is it straight up confronting the issue that is My Mental Illness™ in a way that will make it exist in the real world where real people will see (as opposed to here on my blog), but it's actually pretty draining, emotionally. The idea is pretty simple, I'm making images in the place where I've been receiving treatment for the last 18 months or so in an attempt to explore the capacity that a space can have in preserving a time, a feeling, or a state of mind. To me, Sheaf House will always be the place that saw my lowest of lows and highest of highs, through both recovery and relapse. I have been documenting my research process over on my instagram in some kind of attempt to ease myself into the fact that people are going to see this and they're going to learn something new about me, and it's unfortunately something that could change their perception of me forever. As well as this, I've decided I want to print the images on tracing paper, you know, just to make it even more difficult and stressful.
Prior to this, I handed up what was called the "minor" project. This saw me use tracing paper again (!!!) to construct a book which also played with themes of preservation and memory. The book was called Perennial and it was made up of images of floral, roadside memorials. A way for me to think about death a lot without anyone else feeling weird about it, or a genunie fascination with photography's ability to preserve and solidify a memory, a person, a time or an emotion? Who actually knows. Well I mean, I do but I'll make an in-depth blog post about this toward the end of the week.
Writing this blog post is weird, it's been too long. I'm actually just talking shit. Might stop myself here and attach some images of some of what I've just been talking about. I really hope I'll be able to make blog posts more frequently now that college is beginning to get out of the way. I have so many things I am dying to do and create once I no longer have a brief to fill. Anyway, hopefully you'll hear from me soon. Until next time!