I don't know where to begin with this one. You all probably forgot this blog even existed. I kind of did myself. Things have been very bad lately. Probably the worst they've ever been, and I say that every time, but I think it's really true in this case. The last month and a half/two months or so have been absolute hell on earth. Literally I have never been so low in my life and I've had thoughts that scared me to death, or rather nearly to death, if you catch my drift. 

I basically dropped out of college and haven't made a photograph since the very beginning of October. The greatly anticipated photographs from Cork Fashion Week are dormant and collecting dust still living in the back of my camera, wrapped around the spool.

The last week has seen a significant improvement and today was my return to college, where I met with my tutor to try figure out what the fuck I'm going to do about all I've missed. I like to think that karma will play some kind of part in all of this and everything will work out just as a "reward" for making it through the difficult times without offing myself. I want to complete this year in college and I can't believe I might have messed up my chance to.

I was very, very sick though. And it was only coming out of this period of darkness in my life that I realize just what stupid notions and taboo still surrounds mental illness. When I took two weeks off work my doctor didn't hesitate to write "influenza" on my sick note when he really should have written depression. Someone in work asked me "what are you depressed for?". Family members told me that I'd "just have to get out of bed and try to make an effort". What is that like? Why didn't my doctor write what was really wrong with me? It's a legitimate reason to take time off from work. Would my friend in work as someone "what they had diabetes for?". Would my family tell someone with a broken leg to "just get out of bed and try" to get on with their life?

As I begin to feel better and attempt to complete a mountain of college work, I've found myself thinking a lot about this as a topic on which to make work based on. I am probably going to incorporate my experiences over the last while into one of my projects in an attempt to wrap it up, and even get a sense of closure on the whole emotional journey. I guess I'm getting back into using photography in a way that's therapeutic and helping me understand what is going on with myself.

I hope you're all well in anyways. It feels good to be posting here again.

Until next time.


the bad and the good


I don't have any photos for you today, but rather some updates I felt you all needed to be made aware of. As you all know, I was nominated and shortlisted in the Blog Awards Ireland, but unfortunately the other day I found out that I will not be progressing any further in the competition.

To get as far as I did as a relatively unknown blog with only one writer making posts about stupid personal things and not really making that many views was really incredible and I'm just so grateful for all the support and all the people who told me they really believed I could win!

Of course I'm upset and disappointed but I really don't have all that much time to be. Just last night I was contacted by one of the organisers of Cork Fashion week requesting my photographic services at the event, among some other things. So I'll be Cork-bound the weekend after next to shoot BTS at the Designer of the Year show and also to snap some lovely Irish street style too. I have no idea what to wear.

I'm also back in college which is great but also stressful. I already have so much to do and I'd forgotten what a killer that commute was! I have a lot on my plate right now, and I really need to sort myself out and try to organise myself so that I can do everything I need to do - both personal projects and college projects - without having a complete breakdown and/or running out of steam. 

It is so weird not including any photographs in a post. I'm actually going to throw something in, can't cope, it's too weird.

Our latest college brief has me thinking about dreams and memory again, so it'll be interesting to see what comes of it. Especially since it could be reminiscent of my old way of working. Who knows. The ideas are fresh and still evolving though so I have no idea what will happen.

Until next time!


roots pt.iii: the end

For the first time in almost two years and a long time since the very first time, I put my foot in a stirrup and sat up on a horse. Last week I had the pleasure of visiting Hampton Lodge Equestrian Centre in Brittas, and was very grateful to have the chance to hop up on and ride one of their horses.

This was the first horse I'd ridden that wasn't Tenoso in probably around 5 years. Maybe more actually, but it was weird to see how much I remembered and also how much I'd forgotten. I remembered all of the "theory" and I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but I'd just lost all of my fitness and muscle, I really couldn't ride to the standard I used to. 

I was very conscious of how my instinctive riding style was so obviously one that was specifically tailored to Tenoso however. The things that came naturally to me only came naturally because they were what my body has trained itself to know was what would get my horse, Tenoso, to respond. 

Adjusting myself to a longer striding horse after Tenoso’s short collected canter was weird and being on a horse that needed constant legging on was weird and I was even freaked out by how much wider this horse felt than Tenoso: how did my body remember how that felt? And don’t even get me started on the sensation of not hitting the ground as soon as I felt I should when dismounting - because the horse I was on was taller than him.

It was emotional, but equally amazing and has truly reignited the fire in me that burns for horses. I miss Tenoso so much, I miss riding more than I can tell you, but this visit really made me realise that for now, this is the end. I just do not have time for this in my life currently. If I didn't have to work, I would, but if I didn't work... well I wouldn't be able to afford to. 

Horses were and still are a massive part of my life, and as mentioned in the previous posts in this "series", they could very well be responsible for me finding my love for photography. The year of the horse is coming closer and closer to its end, and even though it's not quite over yet, I know that the guidance from my favourite four legged friends got me through a lot this year, and part of me believes it put me on a new track with new pursuits and goals and ambitions.  

I'll continue this series one day, but for now this is the end.

Until next time!


berlin (iii)

As some of you may or may not know, I found myself back in Berlin for a short holiday with Conor in June. I got these photos developed not long after we returned but just never made a post about them. 

Shot on Ilford FP4 120mm b&w film on my lovely lil Holga.