roots pt.iii: the end

For the first time in almost two years and a long time since the very first time, I put my foot in a stirrup and sat up on a horse. Last week I had the pleasure of visiting Hampton Lodge Equestrian Centre in Brittas, and was very grateful to have the chance to hop up on and ride one of their horses.

This was the first horse I'd ridden that wasn't Tenoso in probably around 5 years. Maybe more actually, but it was weird to see how much I remembered and also how much I'd forgotten. I remembered all of the "theory" and I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing, but I'd just lost all of my fitness and muscle, I really couldn't ride to the standard I used to. 

I was very conscious of how my instinctive riding style was so obviously one that was specifically tailored to Tenoso however. The things that came naturally to me only came naturally because they were what my body has trained itself to know was what would get my horse, Tenoso, to respond. 

Adjusting myself to a longer striding horse after Tenoso’s short collected canter was weird and being on a horse that needed constant legging on was weird and I was even freaked out by how much wider this horse felt than Tenoso: how did my body remember how that felt? And don’t even get me started on the sensation of not hitting the ground as soon as I felt I should when dismounting - because the horse I was on was taller than him.

It was emotional, but equally amazing and has truly reignited the fire in me that burns for horses. I miss Tenoso so much, I miss riding more than I can tell you, but this visit really made me realise that for now, this is the end. I just do not have time for this in my life currently. If I didn't have to work, I would, but if I didn't work... well I wouldn't be able to afford to. 

Horses were and still are a massive part of my life, and as mentioned in the previous posts in this "series", they could very well be responsible for me finding my love for photography. The year of the horse is coming closer and closer to its end, and even though it's not quite over yet, I know that the guidance from my favourite four legged friends got me through a lot this year, and part of me believes it put me on a new track with new pursuits and goals and ambitions.  

I'll continue this series one day, but for now this is the end.

Until next time!


berlin (iii)

As some of you may or may not know, I found myself back in Berlin for a short holiday with Conor in June. I got these photos developed not long after we returned but just never made a post about them. 

Shot on Ilford FP4 120mm b&w film on my lovely lil Holga.



I've had a roll of film sitting on my shelf for about 3 years now. It was a roll of film that was in a camera that was given to me by a complete stranger. A roll that was all used up when I got it, a roll that I didn't shoot any pictures on. I kept putting getting the pictures developed off, hoping that the results would be amazing and insightful and worth the wait and eventually, would make a great blog post.

Much to my disappointment, the roll was blank. I don't know if it hadn't wound through the camera correctly or was somehow entirely exposed or what had happened to it at all. I never will. But that moment when I discovered that it was a complete dud was actually a bit heart breaking.

I think about things very deeply, and I feel everything very intensely. I also make weird connections and assign meaning to probably really insignificant things. I notice everything and dwell on and recall the smallest things from the past. I often make associations between photographic practice and terminology and my life and emotions. You all know this, I have touched on this a lot in older posts during a time in my life where my work was a lot more personal and self-reflective.

 For the longest time it felt like every fucking roll of film I shot turned out to be a blank. I could’ve spent such a long time working on the roll and meticulously calculating the exposures and compositions and whatever else but time after time my efforts would be for nothing and the roll would be blank. I could hold onto it for so long but it would always, always be blank.

When you get these blanks for so long, you start to expect it. You have something good; really strong photographs, bang on exposure, beautiful composition, everything is perfect - but inside of you, you wait and prepare yourself for the blank roll. I hate that I’m like this but I literally look for the bad and the worst case scenario in everything I do or in everything that happens to me. I sometimes think that I actually will awful things to happen to me. I sometimes find it very hard to let myself be happy.

I’m working on a roll right now and there’s still the smallest part of me that is telling me it’s going to be blank and is holding me back from giving it my all. But that voice is the smallest it has ever been and for the first time I am letting myself go more than ever before. I need to learn to risk the chance of the blank roll, because making the photographs is more than half the fun anyway. I need to stop thinking about the end before anything has even begun. I need to enjoy the entire process without thinking about any kind of “result”. I’ve let fear control me for too long and I just can’t do it anymore.

I haven't written a post like this in an awfully long time and being honest, I'm quite scared to publish it. It's been a long time since photography acted as a tool and as a means in which I can express and come to terms with my emotions. But I feel that posts like this are important, not only because they are very helpful and therapeutic to me but also because this is the absolute fundamental reason why I love photography so much Yes, making really cool photos of beautiful people and collaborating with creatives on a fashion shoot is fun and fantastic but that's never what photography was going to be about for me. I enjoy it and I give it my all but it will always come back down to this. I will always use photography as a way to work with the negatives.

Until next time!


shortlisted! (+balls?)

Woke up to another lovely surprise this morning in my "junk" folder. This blog has made it through to the next round of judging in Blog Awards Ireland competition! I can't believe it to be honest, I was thrilled to even be nominated, I did not once consider actually getting any further. The need to win is growing and growing inside me ahaha!

I have updated the little button in the sidebar, and am now going to give you all a little preview of some of what I've been up to lately. I had a shoot with the v fab and fellow St. Paul's girlo Nicole Douglas (Ballsy Wallsy) the other week as part of a massive project I'm undertaking. I might have mentioned this before actually. But yeah, I had another shoot for it last night, have one today, another tomorrow and tWo mORE next week. As well as the chance to work on a Roots Pt. III post. PHOTOGRAPHY.

Here y'are anyway x

blog awards ireland

Until next time!